It’s done real easily. After all, you’re the one setting the alarm at early past midnight to take your temperature, you’re peeing on sticks to see if ovulation is nearing, and you’re the one crying. No wonder that whenever you look at your man that all you can hum is Natasha Bedingfield’s “I wanna have your babies” (check it out if you don’t know it, it’s real cute). But.. if you want to keep the baby making moving, and prevent your lover from feeling like a donor.. you need to take some steps to make him feel loved and care for your relationship. So this Valentine’s day, let’s talk about 5 key points (and some excellent resources!) to to staying a good lover!
1. Speak your man’s love language
Ever heard of the 5 love languages? Gary Chapman has written many books on the concept that everyone has primary way of expressing and feeling love:
- Words of affirmation: compliments or words of encouragement.
- Quality time: their partner’s undivided attention.
- Receiving gifts: symbols of love, like flowers or chocolates.
- Acts of service: setting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small jobs.
- Physical touch: having sex, holding hands, kissing.
Now it doesn’t matter if you are saying all these lovely things to him (words of affirmation) when his love language is you cuddling or kissing (physical touch). You will be communicating your love, and he doesn’t hear it! It therefore makes sense to learn what your man’s love language is so you can fill his tank. Chances are physical touch will be up there though ;)!
Read more about the 5 love languages or take the test to see which love language is your hubby’s primary.
2. Initiate outside your window
This may seem a little obvious, but I know from my patients how easy it is to forget to make love when they aren’t fertile! Show your man some love and make an effort when he knows you haven’t got an egg about to pop.
Initiating outside the window will also remind you that making love in the first place is about reconnecting together, and secondly about babies come from that love.
3. Make your fertile window special
When you are fertile, make sure that it is an extra special time! Don’t make it a chore. Don’t command your husband to bed yelling that you’re (almost) ovulating. Make your fertile window a time to look forward to together. Clear your schedules, prepare, and spend time together (so no wham, bam, thank your sir now hand me that pillow so I can lift up my butt).
You may also want to explain to him that it’s not just because you want a baby that you’re coming on to him, but that the pre-ovulation hormones actually physically make you want it more. If he feels wanted for him and not for his swimmers alone, he is bound to feel loved and make you feel loved in return.
4. Want it
Even if you initiate outside your fertile window, your husband will know if you are just having sex with him to please him. Guess what, he doesn’t enjoy it if you aren’t. The best thing you can do to be a good lover to your husband, is to have pleasure yourself… seriously!
It’s not always easy to do that. A big issue for many women is that they can’t enjoy themselves because they feel so self-conscious. Another thing is is that we ladies are amazing at hanging out in our heads during bedroom time, thinking about groceries or our to-do list. The problem is, if you’re in your head, you’re not in your body. If you’re not in your body, it’s hard to relax and enjoy yourself.
I love the way Sheila Wray Gregoire describes the scene in her excellent book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:
“Often I’ll be having a fun time with Keith and everything will be going well, when out of the blue this thought enters my head: Is there milk in the fridge for cereal in the morning? I didn’t mean to think about cereal. The thought just wandered in there. But now that it’s in my head, it’s hard to banish it. Well, if there’s no milk, what else can we have for breakfast? And when am I going to have a chance to buy some? Can I go before lunch? I wonder what else I should pick up. And my poor husband, who thought he was doing so well, knows that he has lost me. And it’s all because of a grocery item.“
Definitely grab yourself a copy of this book or download it to an e-reader if you need to work on how you feel about your body with your husband or need to learn to be more present. It is bound to change your view on sex and make you a better lover as a result. I especially like all the practical advice in there as well to make your love life more enjoyable so it can increase your intimacy and build your relationship.
Sheila also has a great blog that you can browse or sign up to.
5. Remember who you said “I do” to
Finally, remember who you said “I do” to. In sickness and in health, richer, poorer, till death do us part? Right. You won’t have that kind of contract with any possible future kids! They’ll stick around till 18 unless their generation is anything like the current millenials (I’m one, so I’m allowed to make fun of us) and they may be around till they are 30. The point is, the kids will leave at some point, but husby won’t, so make sure you invest in the relationship with your life long buddy.
If you are struggling in your relationship and don’t feel as close as maybe you used to, I can wholeheartedly recommend another great book “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas. Trust me, if you read this book, you will understand your husband a whole lot better and feel less hurt by things he says or does that are just him being a man, and will be able to influence him to become the man he is made to be.
Now it’s your turn, ready to step it up? Valentine’s is just a good excuse really… 😉